Shouting of my Soul
by Sombereyes
Summary: Rei tells her story of continual love affairs, and inward destruction as she searches to find herself, and the one she truly belongs with. GirlxGirl pairings, slightly dark fiction.
1. Chapter 1

Author Rambling: I posted some one-offs/oneshots (that is the word for them, right) and now I thought I'd try my hand at something a bit longer. We'll see how it goes. This is girl/girl, so if you don't like it, I'd advise you turn away. I sometimes like dark fictions, and slightly angst ridden situations. This fiction will be like that. There will be good moments too, I hope, but this fiction won't be completely sappy, and fun loving. Another thing is this isn't purely Rei and Minako. Readers beware of that. I'm not the best with longer fictions yet, so please bear with me. If you'd like, please leave a review. Oh, also, I don't have a beta, so this story is as it comes...

Chapter 1: Rei's PoV

Quiet... It's a damn crime against every bit of nature in existence. It leaves you wondering. Sometimes, you want to scream. Others, you want to cry. Solace, it's only fleeting by the amount of hours in a day, the clock ticks in a week. Hell, sometimes it doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Yeah, you get those lonely teens who never shut up...then you wish for something like this. They sit there and say their little sob stories. We all do. Every single one of us. Strength isn't only powerful. It's also so weak, you could squash it like a bug. At the end of the day, all we live in, is the emotional quiet.

Yeah, bugs fly by windows, refrigerators turn on, ice gets made, heaters click by the hours... Life sounds so fun doesn't it? Some idiots in this world, like myself, are left in solitude at times like this. Moments of such meaninglessness, that we sit and question the world. Sometimes the thoughts are simply based upon ideals. Other times, who we want to become shapes the current mental point into a dream based reality. Save the random animal, or god forsaken planet crap aside, lets face it, humanity is doomed. We know this from day one, as dark as it sounds.

You live so that one day you can die. Well, that's what some say. People have all kinds of crap to spew, don't they?

Screw em' then.

The dripping faucet is starting up again. What a waste of water, someone should fix that. But who? Me?

Nope, sorry, wrong number and try again later please. Now isn't that just the way the world works? So many want to be helpful, a handful of them actually are. It just sucks at the end of the day, nobody can help me. No one can answer my question. Well, I guess it is kind of hard. A few bubble heads I know would tell me it's all mushy stuff. He kisses you, you kiss him. You tell him you love him, and then next thing you know, he's your damned prince, a knight in shining-Damn it!

Oops, broke my clock.  
>...now I don't even have that any more.<br>I guess I shouldn't have hit the nightstand so hard.  
>My hand will be bruised tomorrow...<p>

You know, there was a point in my life, in my younger years, where I honestly felt love would come for me. I have great friends, don't get me wrong. I just felt, well, ya know...like someone was actually going to tell me they loved me. For once I wanted to be the one. I wanted to be pursued. I wanted to be the girl just once, that turned the heads of everyone...and every man gazed in awe. Every girl would be jealous. Just once, that's all I could ever ask. Just one moment of glory for all of my hardships, all of the things I've lost. Just once, I wanted someone who gave half a damn about me.

Was that...never mind. Clearly I am sitting on a bed roses. At that age, I was an idiot. I just had questions, and in a moment of vanity, I wanted those questions answered. Back then, it really was that simple. When the questions changed, I don't really know. It could have been after dying and being reborn. It could be after seeing a future not set within stone. Still, I don't know who sparked the changes, or why. The only thing I recall, rather the only distinct memory I have, are the questions themselves.

Was it so much, so impossible, that I be loved?  
>Could it be so much a walking travesty that I become happy?<br>I am pretty, why can't people see how beautiful I am?  
>Why can't they tell me that I'm cared for?<p>

That, ironically, was the mind of an angst ridden, depressed, teenage version of myself. One who hadn't graduated high school. One who claimed she'd seen all, and thought she knew all. However, even if I live in a world of peace, and at least attempted harmony, there is one question that fails me. One answer, I have never received. It's a rather stupid question, really. No one should be able to answer it, but still...

What is love?

That question will open new doors, and new answers. I know that. A few other things I often ponder, comes from the same root. Love. Will I ever understand it? Will I ever grasp hold of it? I've waited many long years, and everyone else has some measure of happiness. They're all content, more or less...but what about me? Am I missing something? Is there something my soul lacks... something all of the others have? Yes, I'm sure I sound selfish. I know I must. Is it so much to ask, that just once, I'm held, kissed, and told I'm loved?

I know running an entire kingdom isn't easy. We're constantly on the move. Royal meetings aside, we all have so much we live up to. Some of us are bound for duties. Others, held down by the laws of this world. A select few have love, romance, and a sense of self worth tacked onto all of the other jobs performed daily. A few, us unlucky ones, have their tasks by fate. Nothing else...and I, for lack of anything gained, have an understanding of something that no real mortal could possibly understand.

Why?  
>Simple.<p>

Because of my many years I've come to understand that love, or lack there of, is very different than we think. It's more or less the standard love story, sub par, and written over a billion times over the course of a person's life. In my case, it was girl meets girl. Now you see, some would claim fate had me at the start. That such a thing would guide my life how it saw fit. As if fate was a deity, and not simply a term derived from fairy tales.

They're right, but that isn't the point I'm getting at.

My point is, only some people are made and built for the soul reason of romance. Many of us just sort of, well, lets say stumble across it, like they would tripping over a rock. It either happens, or it doesn't. Either way, the rock will still be there. Don't believe me? Don't worry, I don't believe myself half the time. It was once explained to me, that such a complicated thing as love, was not nearly as predetermined as everyone thought. It was not a set path, never forced into every step. This person likes to say, that love is more of a spirit in and of itself. It will either manifest, and carrying a life built and fed on emotion, or it will stay dormant, unknown for those intended, never felt by those who crave it.

I assume that this person, who considers herself a sort of guru on the subject, has a point. Looking back at my younger years, I call tell you why everyone thinks I'm always depressed. Why I'm told that I could never begin to understand it. All joking aside, I've figured out a few rules, laws within love. They're commandments by choice, so to speak. Rather silly really, but I remember my first real heated kiss, my first real crush. I also remember, my second, and my third. Hell I remember all of them. The realization, however, that comes far later.

At the time I thought I had stumbled upon an angel, however, life as we know it would again kick me in the butt. Not that I hadn't had enough altercations with it already. First my mother dies, my father abandons me, and as if all of that wasn't enough, I get thrust head long into a life of a guardian. A moronic moon princess someone I am told to protect. On top of that, die more than than I should have... gods the list is endless. It sounds like I'm looking for pity now, so I'll stop there.

During all of this, I wonder why the hell I didn't just stay dead. However, all of my demons aside, I've come to the realization that my life wasn't just a crap shoot. Why? Well, I'll get to that in a few moments. Let me tell you about my first real, well, crush...damn it, she's one of my best friends, and alright, she's still a lot more than I let on, but it doesn't really matter.

Her eyes were crystal blue. Her smile shone throughout the world as if a speckle of light glimmered in the darkness of the cold and often dreary world. Many would flock towards her, drawn in naturally by her charismatic smile and simplicity, if not often mistake her words. Indeed, the blond was somewhat of a ditz. She hadn't ever been known to stay her place, but she wasn't exactly a poster child for failed love and crude heartbreak. Yes, one Aino Minako had been gifted a dish best served cold. It wasn't sweet, nor was it bitter. It was just ice, a frozen reality. Nothing more. Nothing less. A girl her age surely built misconceptions about everything. It was easy how quickly she could be bitten by the notorious bug, however just like every simple bite, the venom slowly went away, a scar always left behind. It was small, and barely there, but just like every mark left upon the surface...

The stories told of deeper wounds.

She was young, no doubts there. Not that I wasn't around the same age mind you. I assumed that she had other plans, ones more important than my own. However, it turns out her plans, well, rather duty, were the same as mine. Worse than that, she knew things I didn't, and had access to a past life I had only dreamed about on rare occasions. Why did I fall in love with her, you ask me?

She's love incarnate damn it!  
>I didn't need a reason.<br>Rather, I believed I didn't.  
>I actually didn't understand a thing back then.<br>Irony, you must love it.  
>God, how I hate that word.<p>

I'm a Senshi of passion first and foremost. Secondly, I'm a warrior and I'll burn my enemies into a crisp. And thirdly, I'm second ranking leader should something happen to our fellow Senshi in arms, you guessed it, Aino Minako. Gods above, sometimes I wonder why I don't just jump into the scared flame like a crazed lunatic. It would be so much easier. Oh, don't worry, I'll tell you. Just let me make some tea, and we can relax by the fire. Then you'll hear everything. I swear.

…..More later...

Edit as of 3/4/2012: Fixed a few spelling errors I missed.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note: I'm kinda winging this as I go, blasting music to help me think of how I wanted this to go. Turns out, I can't get this one song outta my mind, and it fits so well with what I want to do, so I'm going to use it. The song is called Run, and it's by Snow Patrol. I see a common way to write "song fictions" is to put the _lyrics_ into _Italics_, so that's what I'll be doing. Not all of the lyrics will be in this chapter... in fact, they'll be spread over many of them. Please, read, and enjoy. If you want, leave a review. I like to know about what you think.

Also, I had a PM asking me about who Rei is talking with. You'll find out more about that person later.

Chapter 2: Can't Escape  
>_<p>

So, where were we? Oh, yes, My story. This black tea is so often calming for me, I simply forget what it is, or why it is rather, that I'm angry. My outburst earlier was simply due to lack of logic. That happens to the best of us, and I'm sorry for that. Firstly, I should introduce myself, I'm Hino Rei. My duties of this new kingdom are mundane, but easy to do. I'm the miko. I lend my guidance when needed, offer spiritual healing, non traditional medical advice, and often I'm not on the beaten path of anything. Put into the most common terms, I'm the one people seek out after Ami, or simply, if they're looking for a different perspective. You can easily guess that I find myself at a loss for my own outlet, so I become cynical, and on occasion, angry, like you've just witnessed. I'm sorry for that. You're a new arrival on the moon, aren't you? Getting to know all of us, well that's quite the task, isn't it?

It matters not, there is much I should tell you, if you are indeed one of the queen's newest vassals. We all have our demons, its not by any means unusual. However, if you are to work along side of us, her Sailor Senshi, it becomes paramount that you, yourself knows about each of us, and our pasts. Their views on these topics will change drastically from mine, I assure you. However when you speak with them, you'll hear their version, I'm sure...

Anyway, about Minako. She was the first girl I knew I loved. In truth there was Usagi. She comes before Minako in all reality, but that love, or crush as I would more appropriately call it, wasn't exactly known about. I didn't consider her a crush, love interest, or anything along those lines, and so, we shall completely omit that particular detail for the sake of simplicity on my part. If we didn't, well, I would be unlocking a door all of us have sealed. After all, everyone loves Usagi to some extent. The Senshi are her protectors, it only makes sense.

Thus, Minako is our current topic of interest.

I remember it well. Not only when I had first met her, but the days after it. At first, we idolized her, she was Sailor V, the girl with powers that mirrored our own so well. Yet, beyond that, she was like an unreachable glimmer of light, one that even Usagi wanted to reach for. As the novelty waned, we realized who Minako really was, and in turn, learned of her sad past and lonesome views on her life. It wasn't that she spoke then outwardly, but like every girl who felt the loss of love, we understood. At first sight, you'd never know her to be such a deeply inflicted person, and back then it was much the same.

Her eyes have always been a soft blue color, and often they shimmer in excitement. She's always so full of wonder and merriment, always bursting with energy. I find it more endearing than anything. When she's upset those once joy filled orbs become darker, marred with both depression, and the regret of having done something wrong. At the end of everything, although she may point a finger outwardly, she always blames herself. Even now, she hasn't changed as much inside as she has outside. Most clearly a woman, one that looks ravishing in almost anything. Back then she was still a sight for anyone giving her the eye.

We had been friends for a while, and high school was without a doubt the turning point in all of our lives, with unforgettable meetings, and tearful partings. If there is a time I would reach back for, it would be the day I realized I cared for her. When laughter mingled freely with the winds, as if we couldn't lose. No matter what, we would always come out standing atop the word. We were fearless, and perhaps, a bit reckless. Just as every teen does, we felt godlike, and yet, at the same time, worthless without that special someone we could hide behind when times got tough.

It was cold that day, the leaves sprinkled from the trees while rain would often find us on the worst of times. In those days, I was naive.

_I'll sing it one last time for you  
>Then we really have to go<em>

"Really Rei, why don't you transfer, it would be far easier if you did." Minako sighed as they walked on yet another morning to their respective schools.

"You know I can't." Rei answered in earnest, her mind was on her grandfather, his busy day ahead was quite hard for a man his age. "My mother wanted me in this school, besides dad pays my tuition. I can't just leave whenever I want. You have it easy going to public school like this. If I could go, I would, trust me." He was only getting older, and she worried about him. That was yet another reason she refused to leave. She had special privileges at the private school, her grandfather was her guardian, and it was because of this that the school let her out early when she was forced into shrine duties. "There's just a lot to think about, and always more to do than grandpa can handle on his own."

"That's why you should just drop out." Minako shrugged. Rei had considered doing that, taking on shrine duties full time, and training under her grandfather. "It's not like you want to do anything else anyway, right?" The blond liked thinking simply, and that often led to loopholes in her best laid plans. "If that's all you want to do, you should be with your grandfather helping him, not worrying about school work, grades, and pleasing those stupid nuns you always complain about."

"I thought about that..." If she could have, she would have done it by now. "The thing is, my father puts way too much weight on who his family is. He hates me, but he also expects the best of me. If I dropped out, grandpa says the press would be all over it. Grandpa also wouldn't be happy, he wants me to graduate and decide on my own after high school. I don't know if I want to wait that long or not." The truth was, he wouldn't be getting any younger, and Rei always feared the worst whenever the school office chimed her name. Because of his age, she was always permitted to call and check in on him, but she knew that was because of her father's influence. He paid quite a lot of funding out of his own pocket. Rei was sure it was a gimmick for his popularity, but she used and sometimes abused the privilege anyway.

"I wouldn't want to wait, but that's just me." Minako's eyes were glued on the ground, not ahead of her, nor focused on any one thing. "Then again, I'm not as careful as you are, so I wouldn't want to think of the worst possibilities." Clenching her backpack tight, she forced a smile. "But hey, if we let things like that scare us, we would be really bad at our job, right? I mean, we can't always force ourselves into thinking so darkly."

"We also can't be so flighty all the time." It was a depressing thought, one Rei often held onto. Because of her job, or because she knew she had mild anger issues with a few in her family, she wasn't sure. "In all honesty, I hate what Dad's done. Treating me like his wonderful daughter, as if we have a happy family. Everyone thinks he so wonderful. If they knew the truth-"

"Everyone would be unhappy." Minako cut off. "Now stop that, before you give the day a bad omen."

"There's always bad omens..."

_You've been the only thing that's right  
>In all I've done<em>

Omens... That's what I told her. It was as if then she froze up. Her eyes closed and she shook her head, saying something that all these years later, I don't quite remember. She smiled, took a hold of my hand, and walked me to school the rest of the way in the quiet. The only thing I could hear were the puddles as we edged by them. The wet pavement occasionally offered reflections, and if I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can still see her hand gently holding me close. Not letting me go, and her thumb tracing the back of my hand. I don't remember if I felt butterflies fluttering around, or anything like that. I just knew I liked the feeling.

We played lovers hidden in the shadows. She was a difficult woman, and one that drove me insane inwardly. On the outside, she played the normal teenaged girl, a game we were masters at for reasons I care not to think about. Behind closed doors, we played the roles of lovers without a cause. She would run to me, and I would quickly abandon my morals, ripping away my cloth as if it were a confinement I didn't want anything to do with. I would hold her and kiss her, pulling her near me with wants and needs I couldn't say I understood at that time. The heat I would feel, the burning need, the breathlessness, it all would wash over me over and over again.

Just like that, we would come bare for only each other. Stripped of everything, even our own personal goals and resolve, we would make love. Hiding, behind anything, and fearing anyone would find out. We held fast for what we knew could possibly be truth. If anyone found out, they would hate us, outcast us, and leave us behind. We never wanted that feeling again. We accepting each shuddering breath as ecstasy and dread. With shaking hands, we learned the joys of loving a woman, and the pleasure of accepting one in return.

We didn't have anything official. No, it wasn't like that at all. I never asked her to care for me, and I'm sure she wanted nothing to do with another woman outside of our locked cadge. Did I take advantage of her? No, I don't think so. I reached out for her, she just happened to be reaching out for someone too. I was just lucky to be that person. On yet another rainy day fate changed drastically. She ran, flying through the streets with speeds that frightened me. Another two timer no doubt. Minako, she can usually shrug it off, but she was serious about this one. Damn boys treated all of my friends like shit. She never told me about him, but I didn't give her the chance. That night, under the evening sky I found out how much I wanted her, and how far we could go on lying before we broke...

_And I can barely look at you  
>But every single time I do <em>

"Who's there!" Minako called out, hearing footsteps following her into the alleyway. Show yourself!"

"It's me...Minako." Rei answered quietly. "You running back here for a reason, or am I just lucky I have such a beautiful girl to myself?" Rei leaned on the brick, waiting for some type of answer, but in her heart, she knew she wouldn't get one. "He broke up with you, didn't he?" It was both an accusation, and a painful reality for both of them. Minako didn't say anything, and instead kept her gaze firm, looking into Rei's eyes, begging her not to continue on with what she was saying, the words both a dagger that cut deep, and a backlash of concealed rage aimed at her. "Say something for gods sake."

"Yeah." Minako whispered. "He did, what do you care?"

"I care because I do." Rei snapped. "Idiot." With that, she took hold of the lost woman in front of her. "Why do you do that." It was a statement, not a question. They both knew that answer anyway. "Run to other guys when you know I'm right here. Why can't I be enough." Again, yet another statement. Rei was her comfort. That's all Rei would ever be, and she knew that. With a sigh, giving up on her anger, she embraced the blond. "Why? Why do I even bother loving you?" That's what Rei didn't understand. "It's been three months, three glorious months. You'd think by now, you'd let me in. If you never say anything how would I know?"

"I don't even know myself." Minako's breath was hot on Rei's neck, but the tears flowing freely, they were cold droplets of truth. "If I knew, then you'd think I'd tell you, but how I am to know how I feel for you?" She pushed herself away. "I'm a girl Rei, and so are you. More than that, we don't have the ability to love each other. That isn't a luxury I'm going to give us. It's not like we can do this forever, this isn't fate, it was never meant to be."

"You say that after kissing me? After all the shit we've gone through together both as Senshi, and as human beings, you say that now." Rei spat in annoyance. "What a crock!" She screamed while punching a nearby brick. "What? You think they'll judge you? That you're alone in this crap? I get it Minako, play the role of the one being hurt. I'm the one who's faithful. I'm the one who's here for you, and only you."

_I know we'll make it anywhere  
>Away from here <em>

I was so far gone by then. Lost in what I should have done. I wanted to hold her, take her into my arms, and just have sex. Then...then we could have continued our own little world, kept the little lie we built. We fought more that night. Neither of us willing to give or receive either. Not an inch, nor apology. Still, although there are many good things that happen in this life, there are many unfortunate things that occur as well. They spin together, both muddled and confused. That night, it was one of those times. That's what made life so complicated.

We couldn't be on bad terms or everyone would find out. We couldn't cut ties because of what our future held. We would never be able to forget each other no matter what. We were trapped. With anger we lashed out that night. However, with no answer in sight, we also agreed that we had nothing more we could do. Once again we give into our more primal desires. Perhaps, if I had been smart, I would have ended us then and there, on a good note, or as close to one as I could get. I just cared about Minako, I cared for her a lot. I couldn't just let her go. No matter how hard I tried.

Even if we had ended then, we knew that it wouldn't end our relationship. No matter how good or bad it might have become. Friends, or personal enemies, we were bound together in such a way. We both loved the excuse, and hated ourselves for it. In a time we couldn't comprehend, and so far away, we simply acted like we were strong. As if we couldn't be phased, and nothing would change us. That night, we had sex again, but it was by no means love. That was also the night we continued our little sin, only because we had nothing better for an answer.

_Light up, light up  
>As if you have a choice <em>

"Stupid meetings." Minako sighed in exasperation. "You just make sure you act normal." Tying her bow back into her hair, she had finished dressing after their afternoon frolic. She watched as Rei lit scented candles trying to mask the smell, Minako for her part began changing the bed sheets. This was their routine. They had it down well now, and could easily hide their activities. "Will you be alright for the meeting?"

"I know my lines, I'm used to it." Rei growled as she buttoned up a shirt. "Just make sure you know yours." Lies, they were so good at telling them now. Rei hated that fact about herself. Still, it was a necessity in her mind. As a dutiful student and granddaughter for the outside world, she would have to lie about being a Senshi anyway. It was the good of her friends and family. Lying to the others, well, she had an issue with that. She felt as if Usagi, out of all of them, had the right to know what was going on. It was Minako's fear kept them both quiet. "What story are we going with this time?"

"Mom and I got into a fight last night. We'll just tell them I wanted to avoid her today and came over early." Minako sighed. It really was all so easily done. "I had called Usagi last night ranting about it, actually. So it would be a half truth. I really hadn't wanted to stick around on my day off and wait for another lecture." It was then the knock on the door came, the others arriving for a day of study and Senshi business.

_Even if you cannot hear my voice  
>I'll be right beside you dear <em>

We never wanted to continue onward. But we had too. I'll always love Minako, and even now, she was the best thing that ever happened in my life. Usagi and the others, yes, they all have a place in my heart, but, when I look back, my largest regret was not keeping her at my side. We placed the roles, had our cards right, and we knew it was the best thing in the world, secretly. Outwardly that was a different matter. Now, years later, when I look into her eyes, I see pain, remorse, and the longing to be held again. In order to understand why that is, I must compose myself, for that particular part leaves my heart devoid of anything but only the deepest of sorrow.

In my life, as a teen, even if it was some of my most unhappiest times, was also some of my most gifted. I know that now. If I hadn't taken everything for granted, would I still be with her now? I wonder that often, but even so, I continue on as I should, only for the good of our lie, and for the appearance of normality. In truth though, there is one other person who knows of what happened back then, and I guess, you could say she was both the cause of my demise as Minako's lover, and the one who saved me from myself. However, that is for yet another time. One when I can can halfheartedly remember that the past is the past, and now is where I am.

More to come.  
>_<p>

Edit as of 3/4/2012: Fixed spelling errors I could find (Although I will check again a week from now when my mind has cleared.)


	3. Chapter 3

Authors Note: Now, we get to meet the new character. This not NOT Rei's point of view, rather the new character for the sake of the story. This was who Rei had been speaking with in the beginning. Please Enjoy the chapter. Read and review.

Chapter 3: A Name.

I'm Usagi's new vassal. A descendant from a long forgotten earth, where mortality used to govern the fate of all human beings. History foretells of people starting wars over such a gift that longevity gives them, however, I was not alive during that time. It is true, we were gifted the graces of such long life when the queen came into power. She hates if those close to her call her that, so, we merely call her Usagi. Apparently, that was her name once long ago. I'm young, merely a teen by their standards, so I do not understand much of the world yet. That is why I'm here, to do as my ancestors have done, keeping an eye on the kingdom, offering my diligent services for any and all of the royalty here, that also includes the royal guard and their families. Many people have been born and laid to rest here in what some still call the new land. It really isn't new any more, but that's besides the point.

Not everyone wishes longevity, some people don't value long life for many reasons. It's because of this that some mortals still exist. Putting it simply, it's a choice made once you are an adult, able to make the decision for yourself. If you wish agelessness, Usagi in all of her kindness will gift you that power. If you don't, you live out your life and like that of a human, finally passing on within the normal span of a human, about one hundred years, give or take ten or so. I am not yet old enough to decide for myself. I have two more years before that day arrives. Like my mother, and her mother before her, I will likely turn down the offer.

There's a particular appreciation for waking up every day when you know that one day, much sooner than everyone else, you'll lose such a thing. It makes me learn to love my life all the more. Trust me, I enjoy it a lot. I have scruffy, messy brown hair on my head, that I don't often keep neat. I just don't see the need, so sometimes it gets in my face. I bite my nails, and I'm not exactly pretty, let's face it, I don't run around in a skirt all day. I look no more than a simple peasant, and I guess, that would make sense. However, I'm not such a low ranking individual. In reality, I'm not all that far removed from the Senshi, my mother told me as much. My bloodline is very precious, at least, that's what my mother always chants constantly when I go visit her on our home planet.

I still don't know why she sent me here, it's a sort of coming of age I guess. Not that it matters much, I never had many friends back on our home planet. So, all's well that ends well, in that case. I'd stay here if I could, everyone is so nice, and the royalty aren't snobs like at other places. All of the Sailor Senshi, and the Queen treat me as family, and her baby is adorable. I don't know the king very well personally, but I do know he is a kind man. His daughter will one day lead the kingdom many years in the future. For now though, he and Usagi are hailed from even the far reaches of civilization.

I've learned a lot about the Sailor Senshi, their families, and their pasts. There is one person though, who often captivates me. She treats me with even more kindness than anyone else here. The Queen of Mars, Hino Rei. She's so nice to me, smiles even when she looks like she's about to cry. The first day I was here, she took me to her shine, and told me about herself. I still don't know everything, but that will come in time. "Fusayo, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Ami studying?" She asks me. I hadn't thought I'd run into her here, in the corner of the garden.

"Not today, I'm off three days of the week, mostly because this is still my first month within the walls of the castle." I tell her as I smile softly. There she goes, her lavender eyes meeting mine, those of a deep green. She looks sad again, like she always does at times like this. "Instead I'm just thinking about a few things, I like to write them down sometimes."

"And, what 'things' would that be." Rei seems concerned, she too takes a seat. "Are you lonely here? I'm sure Usagi would let you go home, if you wanted. She's not the type of person to force anyone to do anything." I feel her hand ruffle my hair. I wish I knew what she was thinking, but instead of losing myself in her gaze again, I keep my eyes on the flowers. It's a safer place to look.

"I'm not lonely." I chirp quickly. I need to be mindful of the conversation. "I was just thinking about everything I've learned and comparing it with what I knew..."

"Oh?" Rei seems even more interested in my thoughts than before. Sometimes I wonder if she can read them or something. "What about?" She's almost worried, and I can see the glaze of barely repressed tears for a moment before they blink away again. There are plenty of other students, why does she only look at me like that? That's what I want to know most. All of the others like me are also going to become personal attendants for those here in the castle. We shouldn't have any meaning besides that. It confuses me.

"My name." I say slowly. "Mother says our name, the one that's been passed on through generations of women in our family is important. I'm also told I should name my daughter that, if I one day have one. I never knew why though, my mom never told me." I don't know why Rei takes such interest in me, but I'll also guess that it's not my place to ask. I like the attention, it makes me feel welcome, and at home. Something I've never felt before now.

"Your mother never told you?" Rei seemed slightly surprised. "You are a direct relation to us. Like family, if you'll allow the term. Throughout the ages we've watch your family grow. Your ancestor was a personal friend of ours." Rei seemed dejected again, as if something was bothering her. "This friend..." Rei paused before biting her lip. "Never mind that right now..." It looks like whatever she wants to say, it's rather hard on her. "Why you have your name, isn't really important. If you want to know why, that would be because of Sailor Pluto. That's all you really need to worry about."

I had never seen Rei get up and leave so quickly before. More questions fill my mind now than ever before, and I fear that I could be digging deeply into someplace I shouldn't be. There was something in Rei's eyes. It was more than she would say, and I feel like I'm stepping into uncharted territory. Do I confront her? I wonder if I should? I'm not all that sure. I mean, what's in a name. It can't mean all that much, but it seems like it does. It least, for Rei it does. My name is Fusayo, child of generations. My mother had it, and her mother before it. It's a tradition, but is it merely that...

Or, is it something more? I wonder sometimes...

More later  
>_<p>

I know, it was a short chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it all the same.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Ramblings: I've updated my profile with a poll, please vote on it if any of the pairings you want to see in other fictions/drabbles. There is also a list of anime I wouldn't mind doing fan fiction on, and if you'd like, you may choose something from the list. Please, look at my profile and if any of that may interest you PM me. Anyway, on with the fiction. As a reminder, the song used in this fan fiction is Run by Snow Patrol.

I don't own Sailor moon, and please read and review. (there I think i got it all ;P)

Chapter 4

Oh, hello. I wasn't expecting you to be this early. I have the tea ready, the fire is blazing, and I feel that on this day, I shall discuss the events in the room of fire. It brings me tranquility. I had considered going to the chapel, or even stepping foot into the small but welcoming yard we use to perform our outdoor services. As you know, I provide spiritual enlightenment. However, not everyone believes in the same thing. Over time, I learned other views on life, and I preach many forms of what some would call religion. This is why I'm often busy, and cannot lecture during some occasions. Anyway, regardless of what beliefs others have, or what I sate as my own, the room of fire is as second nature as possible. I was raised as a miko, and so when I'm in this room, I feel most at home.

So, where were we. I can't seem to remember what exactly I wished to speak with you about today. We last left of in my past during high school, a time of my life that isn't so easily forgotten. Still, every time I'm in this room, memories come in waves, and I become swept away by them. We laughed happily most of the time, but there was also great sadness that seemed to engulf me whenever I happened to see Minako. She would smile a fake little smile, and I would be the only one who noticed. As I recall, you know how we created lies, deception was our only safety. That's what we thought anyway.

We had a good thing going. A little romance, a few secret dates, and more sex than any teen should get themselves into. We thought we were living the best we could, given a bad situation. We were stupid. I don't know why Minako was ashamed of herself for being with me, and I don't know why I was so fearful of Usagi's disapproval. All I knew, was that I needed an outlet somewhere. I found it within Minako, and for her love, I had to pay one small price. Silence. I could not speak about how much I cared for her. I could not hold her in front of everyone, and I could not claim her as my own. She was not my woman. She kept making that little detail known often with the way she chased after boys. As time went on, our master plan fell to pieces.

Usagi wasn't stupid. She could see right through me. And I found myself at odds. One day, with the emotions hidden deeply within, she corned me. Looking back, I hadn't wanted an escape either.

_Louder louder _

"Don't lie to me." Usagi whispered quietly. "I know better than this, and you can't hide forever." With grace, and gentle care, she dried each tear before it fell from flushed cheeks. "Now tell me Rei, what happened to you? Who could do this." Raven hair had been tousled in the wind from doing outdoor chores, a single blade of grass clung onto the unruly tresses. With a ghosting smile, Usagi removed the offending greenery, and then placed the locks behind Rei's ear. The entire time, her eyes didn't leave the miko in front of her. "Why are you like this Rei."

"It's just a bad day today." Rei sniffed before breaking away from Usagi's hold, turning her eyes so that she didn't have to look at her princess. "I'll get through it. Always do."

"You've had many bad days lately." Usagi stated calmly. "You and Minako both. But I know you, and I know you don't break down like this without a reason. Not slowly, not over the course of several weeks. I also know Minako always tells me everything, unless, she thinks I'll hate her for something. We've been friends for a long time, it would only be a matter of time before I would figure it out. What did you two do? Get into a fight?"

Rei nodded, although she didn't have anything to say to to defend herself. "If you know that much, then please, let me be alone."

"Friends argue, Rei. It happens." Usagi told her, not letting go of the situation. "We always do it too. Things will go back to normal soon, won't they?" The hope in light blue eyes, those that were so much like Minako's finally broke Rei. As she sobbed, she held fast, holding onto Usagi, as if losing her would be the end of the world.

"No..." Rei hitched as her sorrow shocked her to the very core. "It won't Usagi. It really won't. It can't be fixed now."

_And we'll run for our lives _

Usagi was my only hope then. I felt as if I could stand only with her holding me. If Usagi let go, it would have been one of my worst fears realized. I prayed quietly in my head, but out loud I chanted. Don't leave me, I had begged of her. Do let me be alone. Why was it Usagi? Why did I crumble in front of her? I guess, it was because she just happened to be there. I would have done that in front of anyone, that's how badly my heart ached. I don't know why Minako and I always got so hostile with each other every time a new boy came around, but we did. I hated myself for being so weak. I felt as if I failed everyone.

Usagi heard everything spill from my lips that day. How I hated myself for loving Minako. How Minako was afraid to be outed. Everything, from our first passionate kiss all the way to the angry sex we had earlier that morning before the fight. I told our princess, only so that I could be heard. Things couldn't go unfinished though, and Usagi hadn't approved of us. Not because of our relationship, but because we tried to hide it. It was lying, she hated that part the most. As a result, we were eventually outed for the entire group, although, that was Luna's doing, not Usagi.

Minako for her part became infuriated with me. As if she couldn't trust me anymore, she avoided speaking with me unless it was needed. Usagi kept a distance, but watched over us both. She was gentle with me, knowing my heart was slowly shattering into pieces. With Minako, her disappointment showed more easily, however, never once had Usagi been harsh or uncaring. She was very careful not to hurt either of us, although, for a very long time that was nearly impossible to do. She would speak with me, often seemingly testing me, or rather my resolve. Slowly other things came out in the open, my feelings towards her, although undecided at best, were deep within my heart. With careful words, she turned down feeling the same. It was yet another blow to my ego, and I noticed after the events, Usagi kept an even closer eye on all of us.

_I can hardly speak I understand_

"Minako!" Rei shouted, trying to catch up to the blond's fleeing form. "Would you wait up, damn it!"

"I have nothing to tell you." Her voice was all work and no play. "Please, give me space." She continued to walk ahead, as if she couldn't have cared one way or the other. For the spectators watching, it was a depressing sight, as Rei chased after something, rather someone, who could be considered a lost cause.

"She's being a little bit rash, wouldn't you say?" Makoto could relate to all of this, and watched on, inwardly she kept her own emotions bottled inside.

"It isn't our place." Usagi answered back, fully aware that both of the girls ahead of them could hear the conversation. "I know why you'd be upset." Usagi said as she slowed to a stop, letting the other two girls get out of earshot. "However, I can't keep fighting their battles for them, and Rei really loves Minako. That part, at the very least, it isn't a lie. I don't want her compromising her feelings either. Once Minako can come to terms with Rei's truest feelings, then and only then, I'll let them be together. However I won't let her be used like before."

"If she wants to be used, then let her be used..."

_Why you can't raise your voice to say_

I could hear every word. I wasn't all that far ahead of them. Makoto was someone nearly untamed during those times. I know what we had done affected her in more ways than one. I fully believe that if Usagi hadn't been there, Makoto would have used force on Minako. She's brash like that, easily hurt by what others do. I could hear the sadness hidden behind rage, I'm sure Usagi and Ami did too, although neither of them said anything afterward. It was out of concern, I know that. There wasn't anything good that could be said, and so they kept quiet. Makoto always acted with pity whenever she saw me, and I saw a part of myself in her. I also saw one difference. Unlike her, I wanted to be used. I knew Minako hadn't been ready, but I was fully ready for her. I wanted her by my side, even if it seemed unbearable.

It took a few months for Minako and I to quietly agree we were no longer together. We would never reach out and hold each other again. Usagi worked real hard for us to repair our relationship, but I can honestly say, it took many years before we could be on the same terms we had been on before we started having sex. For a long time I spoke heartfelt words. Even if not those of love, it was hard for Minako to trust me. At that time, the pages of Minako and I came into an end, and I thought I would only look at her as Sailor Venus... Only as my superior.

Life for the next few months became rocky as I reached out for the trust of Minako. She was on a rebound though, one worse than ever, and she fell into darkness herself. Boy after boy became nothing but a toy for her, the woman once of love, became her own version of a traitor of her Senshi namesake. Through all of it, I was trapped, stuck into watching it, and slowly I too fell into the darkness of despair. The others saw it, I'm sure. However, my worst mistake was forcing myself to forget. I didn't want to remember Minako, and so I pushed her from my mind, and tried to force her even further from my heart...

I never knew I would pull the others in deeper. I never wanted them to find out. The sad thing was, not only did they learn all about it, they saw all of me at a glance. A never ending barrage of trials faced me, and each one had me even more lost than the last. In my mind, Minako was my only concern, but that didn't stop me from receiving the warmth of another. It just so happened, this other person was also a Senshi.

More later...  
>_<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Authors Note: Sorry this chapter took so long. I don't own Sailor Moon. Please read, and review. For a reminder, please note the lyrics are from the song Run, performed by Snow Patrol.

Chapter 5: Slipping into darkness

The first time she tentatively licked her lips, I felt as if I was committing some sort of adultery. I don't why I let Makoto become my sinful comfort. Perhaps it was because I didn't want to be alone in this world...

It was many months after Minako and I ended our relationship, in fact, thinking about it, it was probably closer to a year. That's how long I had been alone in my bed. How long it had been since I had someone near enough, that I could reach out and touch warmth. I knew it wasn't true love. The simple fact was, my heart remained with Minako. She carried it with her wherever she went, and all Makoto would ever get, would be the scrapped remains. Tattered pieces of a feeling that she would never receive from me. My first lesson wasn't actually with Minako, but rather, it was found within the Senshi of thunder.

It wasn't overt at first. Makoto always keeping watch over me in her own ways. Sometimes, it was with a batch of cookies, helping around the shrine, or even aiding in my newly acquired bad habits. Whatever it happened to be at the moment, she helped ease the pain I had been feeling. As Senshi, we continued our meetings, our image kept up only because of willpower alone. Minako was sure to continue her tirade on my heart simply by ignoring my every move. I could see that she too, continually scorned our situation. Over time, her true feelings on the matter began to surface, however that took logic I didn't have.

I had but one simple fear that engulfed me. I didn't want to lose anyone either. We fight, it's a cold hard truth. Friends argue, that's normal. It's expected. However, what is also expected by all of us, is a sort of truce. On the front lines, as I've come to view it over many long years, you don't have the luxury to play favorites. It was why Minako refused me back then, and forced me into hating her. I'm sure, she felt as if it would protect all of us. In a way, it probably did. In another, it failed. I could never hate her...or any of the Sailor Senshi. They're important people for me, my life is blessed by a large family, not bound by blood. It's because of them, that I can these things now.

We all love each other. We care deeply because most of us don't have anything else. In those days, I wouldn't give up, my resolve not agreeing with the way things were...

_To think I might not see those eyes_

"Minako, can't you just look past it?" Fighting, that's all they could share between them now.

"You're the one who told Usagi." The blond shot back, an emotional rage hidden behind blue eyes. "If you keep bringing it up, we'll never be able to move on. Just, let go of it." As if an apology was being written upon a whispered sigh, Minako's anger dissipated, only remorse remaining. "As Senshi, it's our job to put aside any emotions we have, so that we can look after and protect Usagi. However, I can't make that vow, and I will not compromise her, or any of us. It's because of this, that you and I could never be together. You're not asking for a tryst, you're asking for my heart." It would be a letdown, and her final answer. "I can't give you that."

"I see..." It was the best Rei could say. "So, you'll choose to protect Usagi..." It wasn't a shock at all, rather, a disappointment that became almost a law among them. "Is that all you'll ever want?"

"Fate gave us a path in life that sucks right now, I know that." Minako smiled slightly, although it was empty and openly forced between them, a white flag of sorts. "But one day, in the far future, we'll thank ourselves for all of this. However, as far as I'm concerned, I can not fall in love, at least, not with one of my fellow Senshi."

_Makes it so hard not to cry _

There I had it, right from her own mouth. It stung, yes. However, it also gave me a sort of admission, one I had been searching for when I first felt my heart flutter at Minako's touch. That she, a woman who embodied love, would feel something, anything, for someone like me. I had seen it that day. Something, it filled her eyes, and within those tears, I'm sure an emotion never spoken poured in vast waves when I wasn't around to see. That was her answer. She wouldn't fall in love with a Senshi, would never give me even a small bit of her heart. Yet, she was the one who held all of mine.

Although she would never say it, I would hold all of hers...

I don't know why Makoto came to me shortly thereafter. I don't even know why she chose to do things in the manner she did. I know, someplace deep within her, she meant well. She may have even truly loved me. It was so long ago, I can't say for sure. Still, the night she came by, I was broken...lost...depressed...I was so many things. One thing I wasn't, was an embodiment of my own willpower. Everyone else that I knew, every Senshi at any rate, held fast on their planetary power as if it were their only answer in life. For Makoto, that could be the only truth for my lingering questions. She felt obligated, and it was her powers, though innate in nature, that gave her the abilities to proceed with her plans.

_And as we say our long goodbye _

The shower tile felt cold on her palm. Lavender eyes watched as stem rose from her outstretched arm, a deep sigh echoing in the bathroom. The smell of smoke veiled the room, damp air making it that much harder to breath. It was easy to become depressed in such a state, and the bottle of vodka on the floor, drained of it's contents, yet another cry for help. Rebellion wasn't nearly good enough, not this time. Packs of cigarettes littered the counter tops, and even more found the trash bin their place of rest. "Damn." Rei scoffed as droplets of water fell from her bangs, putting out the last embers. With failed attempts, she tried lighting the cigarette, only to have a hand stop her.

Tired eyes looked up, acknowledging Makoto's grim expression. "It won't light." Rei laughed quietly, the chuckle without any trace of humor. "It's done, just like I am."

"You don't have to be done." Makoto told her. "You choose to be done, because you've got no one left. At least, that's the stupid thing you believe." Makoto wasn't dense, and having walked this path more often than not, she knew a thing or two about denial. With gentleness, she pulled a joint out from behind her ear, smiling softly. "If that's all you ever choose to believe, yeah, you'll end up dead. I just don't think you'll end up that way. It's too dark, and we have out own goals. Ones that love simply has no part to play."

"If you insist on smoking, give me some." Rei knew she wouldn't get out of this. "If I have to listen to a lecture, I might as well be out of it."

"You're already out of it." The bathroom was enough proof of that. "Just don't get it wet." Makoto gave it to Rei anyway. "Minako's still around, not leaving you. She's quite worried about you, actually most of them are." Rei didn't let on that she cared one way or the other about what was being said. "Personally, I don't mind. Fact is, you can't escape it, no matter how hard you try, this is what our lives were meant to be." Gently, Makoto removed the joint from Rei's soft lips, frowning when even that didn't get a response from her. "Why do you love a girl like her anyway?"

If only for a moment, Rei's eyes flickered with an emotion that disappeared quickly, and then a mild shrug was the only response she got. "Dunno." That part, well it was easy. "Just do, I guess."

"Ya know, if Usagi saw this, she'd be devastated." Makoto, on the other hand, didn't seem phased at all. "Look at this place, it's a mess." Makoto wasn't about to admit how many times her own home had looked like this in her life. Pitfalls, an irony she had become almost an expert of. "I don't claim to understand you, or whatever you think you've lost. I just came over to make sure you didn't do anything weird at all. Drinking...smoking...standing there like a zombie...I'd say all of that qualifies as normal. I'll leave you alone, if that's what you want. But if you think you're going to do something freakishly dumb, call me first, at the very least."

Footsteps echoed slowly through the tiled floor, and each passing moment boomed. The sound would be fleeting, and Rei knew that as soon as Makoto left she could do whatever she wanted, without anyone finding out. For merely a heartbeat, Rei considered doing just that. However, when the sliding door edged open, her voice slipped her thoughts, some of the darker ones, pleading for solace. "Normal, so this is what you call it." It was bitter, and filled with malice aimed at no one, but the point was there. Clear as crystal. "And I would want to continue living why?"

Makoto stood there, regarding Rei, gazing upon that weakened form before sighing. "I don't think anyone ever understands how lonely it really is." Thick clouds wafted from her lips as she spoke. This clearly, was not her first time with such a drug. She looked almost hateful. Her leather jacket cloaked her in an unforgiving way, and her eyes scowled, as if seeing right through Rei. It was something new for the miko, having old heard the rumors of a girl such as this. The girl most knew her as, and feared her for. She was isolated, alone, and teased for her strength, though both good and bad that it was.

Rei couldn't compare with that look, one of self imposed hate, and sorrow. She thought she could, and acted the part well. "When you have no one you can cry on. No one will tell you everything's alright. No matter what you do, it'll always be wrong. It's a personal hell I've dealt with since I was a kid. All of you don't really realize how much it hurts when you have no one. You've always had each other. For me, I simply look at anyone, and you all roll your eyes." It was undeniable. They all had done that, at least once. "Now Rei, you might actually get it. What it means to carry every single burden for yourself, and realize that the people who matter most, they're too blind to give a shit."

But when the door closed behind Makoto, a new truth came into the light. It wasn't only an act, a single passing moment. For Makoto, that was her life, every day.

_I nearly do _

No matter what Makoto told me, my heart still felt as if it was being torn apart. Every time I even looked at Minako, I felt it shatter more. Makoto was right, I was blind. I was also deaf, the world around me not loud enough to break through my inflicted torment. If I had simply listened that night, if I looked at her for what she was, and not something she represented...I guess that doesn't matter now. What's done, well, it's done. And yet, even so...

I never realized how much she was hurting inside from our actions. She's always so strong, so guarded. It's hard enough to know what she's thinking when she tells you about it. When she hides it, or simply doesn't say anything, there's an entire story left untold. That's simply how Makoto is. If I honestly hadn't fallen so deeply for Minako, if my every dream wasn't plagued by her, then I'm sure I could have fallen in love with Makoto. A true love. Pure and simple. In the real world though, life doesn't work that way. In the real world, I still drank my nights away, and could barely keep my studies halfway decent in school. I only smoked in places I knew I could hide my activities. When I did, I made sure to do it excessively.

I knew I had problems, but Minako was my main one, at least that's how I made it out in my head.

My mind would play out different storybook endings for my life. Some of them darker, more grotesque than others. Rarely, I would think up a happy one, and get stuck in it for hours, often putting pen to paper. That's one of the bad parts of being a Senshi, we've all had feelings and dreams get the best of us. It comes with the job, and you just have to live with it. I just made it harder on myself. Dreams, both good and bad, are just that. Dreams, and we have to build out own reality. Self pity side, I also felt hate boil within me, I could never begin to understand why.

It was as if she knew I was burying myself too deep. As if she had been there before. I know now, that Makoto's life was far darker than mine could ever be, but that's another story, for another time. I'm sure, one day, if you seek her out, she'll tell you about it. Just don't expect her to go into detail. Anyway, as a teen, my mind was plagued by these two women. Minako, for stealing my heart, and keeping it in a cadge, and Makoto for...well, that's complicated.

She, a courageous woman, had been willing to be hurt by emotions I often repressed. In those days, Makoto shined as a woman. Wonderful cooking, a dutiful lover, it made sense why the boys would use and abuse her. Hell, who am I pointing a finger at? I did it too. Although Makoto is skeptical of many, she trusted me, wholeheartedly. There was never any shadow of doubt in her deep pools of emerald. Then again, I've come to the conclusion that she had to have known I wouldn't stay around. She must have seen that from day one of our dark romance.

At any rate, the night she came into my bathroom, was only the start of our time together. We lasted easily for several years. Four of them, to be exact. In our lifetimes, that's merely child's play. But that's what we were then, that's for damn sure...

More later  
>-<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

Authors Note: Remember the character from chapter 3? She'll be the POV for this chapter. Please, keep that in mind. Don't own sailor Moon. Please, read and review.

Chapter 6

They say that this kingdom is a place where dreams come true. I guess what they say is true for the common folk around here. For the Sailor Senshi, it's actually quite a bit different. Setsuna says that's because balance must be restored, and for that to happen, unfortunate things must also happen. Hotaru tells me that it's because living a longer life, means you must also experience a great deal more than others who die young. She says that if you live longer, you'll see more, and learn to understand it. Sad things are apart of that. The Senshi, who fought so long and hard, they'd built misconceptions about life in in a future they could not see. According to Ami, it's something very scientific. And if you ask Rei, she'll say something about divine retribution and taking a path riddled with falsehoods.

I believe everything they've all said. I think all of it is true. The world here, its nice, but I often wonder if it's really any different than the old world. I don't know. I asked Setsuna, but she simply smiled, running her fingers through my hair. "In time, you will understand your place within this universe." That's what she told me. All of the Senshi share a tragic story, I know that now. Some have placed it in the past, where it belongs. Others carry it as a metal of honor. There are two Senshi who chant their misfortune like a mantra. Whatever the case may be, I've become to learn that my place, well it may actually not be here.

I don't know how I can describe it, and there isn't really any way I possibly could. Still in my hand, I've got a book, one that's giving me knowledge about the gifts I hold deep within me. It's called Planet Power. Everyone holds it within their soul, few however, can learn to harness it. Within that few, are the most skilled, and powerful people. These people are chosen by their innate gifts, bloodline, and over all synergy towards their respective planets. everyone has powers, but without the planetary stone, these powers are weak, and have little purpose at best. The people who are most fitting of their planet, become a Sailor Senshi.

Back in the old world, there were only the select few. The future Queens of each planet. They fought to protect earth, and build the new world. I've heard many bad people tried stopping them. Because of this, they took their roles early in life. Regardless, anyone from any planet can become a Sailor Senshi, however, just like the royalty we serve, we must fight for love and justice, bringing peace for all who seek out a safe and happy world. It's our creed, and part of our kingdoms pledge. There is a key difference between planetary garbs that our royalty wear, and the warriors they command.

The powers they wield.

Only Rei can sling fire at will, only Makoto can pull the power of thunder and lightning forth. It's their gift of the planet, and we who serve them, could never have access to such power. All of the queens share this similarity. It's what makes them powerful, and we, those of the common folk, Senshi or not, follow them without question. their words are effective law.

We underlings have rings. We wear them on out fingers. It gives us limited access into the planet. With the powers of regeneration, we are far more powerful than that of a person without such a gift. It also powers our weaponry. This is why planetary synergy is so important. Without becoming one with the planet, we could never pull forth elemental weapons. Without weapons, we have no strength, and we would fall as an army. Very few can wear a ring, it's a very careful process. I've found out now, that is why I'm here. If I accept a planetary stone, I could become a Senshi, just like Rei and the others. There is but one catch in all of this, one that makes me fearful of the outcome. In order to become a Senshi, one must also accept the gift of longevity. I must also bind myself to protect and serve the royalty of my planet. Once they die, I too, shall pass away.

Very few have accepted such a task, however, it is because of this task that our world thrives.

"You seem lost in thought, Fusayo." It's Setsuna again, my tutor for the day. She is a woman who often keeps herself hidden within a shadowy place, filled with answers for life, and it's many questions. "I do hope you're becoming stronger." Sometimes though, she comes to the palace, teaching students like me the powers within our bodies.

"I'm doing my best. In all honesty, this book confuses me." I tell her. It's not that difficult, but it still makes me wonder. Ever since I began my lessons, I've come to understand a few things. Topics of interest for Senshi training could be considered very expansive. No two Senshi are trained the same way. Within that diversity armies of great strength, and even greater loyalties are built from the ashes. "I feel as there is so much I've got to learn, and not enough time in which to do it."

"As I assume would be common." Setsuna laughs quietly. She hardly wears that cloak, the one that keeps her eyes out of sight. "Shall we begin today's lesson?" It makes her mysterious, and I hear this is how she travels, when she does not wish people to see her face.

"Yeah, I'm ready." Really, I'm not, but I'd rather not get a lecture.

"Your assignment will be reading the next eight chapters in your history book." Setsuna says, handing me a very thick tome. Her books are not only the largest, they're also more complicated than Ami's. "They're fairly short, and detail several events before the Kingdom was built. Please, make sure you take note of those crystal points, it's important for your geography exam Ami will give you." I nod, at least Setsuna likes giving out hints. That's one thing that's really cool about her. She helps the students a lot that way. "That however, is not what we shall speak on today. Rather, it's about the moon stone."

She pulled out a small case rapped in white velvet. Inside, was a clear crystal ring. The band white gold. This was the stone of the moon. A rare stone, and one few people had. "This stone is your next lesson. It's the stone the army of the moon holds. The capabilities this ring has are almost endless. For your training today, you shall don this ring. Place it on your ring finger, as if you were to be married." I followed her instructions, it fit like a glove, and the small glow was warm, comforting even.

"Its beautiful." I say in awe. It honestly is. I have not seen something so wonderful in all of my life. "But, why am I able to get a reaction out of it?"

"The stone of the moon is unlike any other. With it, you can attune with any Senshi, and thus harness their planet for yourself."

"I don't believe I understand." I sigh, looking at this powerful item. It seems so familiar, and yet, so mysterious.

"Pull forth the power inside." She tells me.

I clench my hand, balling it into a fist. Trying to manifest energy, finding myself unable. Stones do not require an incantation, but they do require their host to be transformed and combat ready. That is to say, that unless the queen of the planet has already tapped into their planet, the ring will not work. "I can't pull forth energy, Her Majesty is not transformed."

"I do believe you are correct." Setsuna seemed calmly amused with my statements. "You are from Jupiter, and thus, without her, you are unable to draw power. That is normal protocol, so if you had been wearing a green ring, with your planetary symbol, you would have been correct." She then removed her cloak she often wore, revealing that she was transformed. She had been so this entire time. "However, as I told you, with that particular ring, you are able to draw power from any of us. I would like you to try again, however, instead of envisioning Makoto, please, use me and my power as your guide."

I closed my eyes and once again, clenched my fists. Anything that isn't lightning is unknown for me. I've only just begun learning about how to harness powers. Using another planet should be near impossible. Still, I feel a small orb form. Within that orb, I can pull forth my weapon. I open my eyes, however, I find myself at a loss. "A staff? In the shape of a key?" I could feel my eyebrow twitching. "I normally use a lance, not a staff." I have no idea what to do with this thing...

"You've tapped into my energy, and as such, this is your gift." Setsuna didn't seem at all surprised at my clear distress, and I honestly wished she did. "Fusayo, different planets use different weapons. We all fight our own special way. This is why the ring you currently wear is a ring only given to those who are well versed in both combat and diplomacy. It is not an easy choice to bear this ring, and only those who have served under their planet power, and have been recommended by their ruler my wear one. The journey is long, grueling for even the best warriors. The title and fame of earning such a gift is coveted. Many will spend all of their lives in pursuit, and never see the day they wield their very own."

"Then, why am I wearing it now?" I wondered that the most.

"All who undergo training have contact with every single ring, this one is no different."

"Setsuna..." She knows I will ask her a question, I can see it in her eyes.

"Yes?" And yet, she plays along. I wonder if she knows what it is? Perhaps she doesn't.

"My mother..." I don't really know how best to word this, but I feel like I need to know. "My mother and I hail from Jupiter. That's our home planet. But, Rei told me the other day, my descendant from long ago was a very close friend of theirs, who was she, if I may ask?"

It was then Setsuna grew quiet for a moment, it was as if I struck a small cord with her. "I don't know much about the woman, however, I can tell you her name. It was Naru. She and Usagi went to school together. The girl had the gift intuition. She knew things without being told and even figured out Usagi's identity very easily. That is all I recall offhand, and I feel as if scanning back through the gates would cause a great unrest within you." The memory of the woman was far away, Setsuna's serene gaze told me so. "You should not worry about the past. Focus more upon the future."

"The past consumes all of you." I would like to see it for myself. I want to meet this woman, and see this past that destroyed so much. "Everyone is hurt by it, and everyone remembers it fondly. I feel like I should be consumed by it." I could feel my ring power down, Setsuna removing her transformation, and thus removing my power. The staff disappeared into nothingness, and she gazed at me. Deeply searching my eyes.

"Many Senshi, and those of apprentices have traveled back through time." Setsuna wasn't often so forthright about information, especially not something as clear cut as the gates. She had laws she had to follow, and ranted about them constantly. She was a strict teacher when talking about time travel. "It is not uncommon, however, missions are dangerous. The time line is a very precious thing, and without strict reasoning, you could indeed destroy the very thing we've built. Those that go, have direct reasons, orders, and prophesies that must be carried out to the letter. Sending such a novice, well that is something that could very well cause a catastrophe."

"What if I feel like I already have?" Rei often confuses me, and I can't help but wonder why. "What if why Rei is so upset is because of something I've done, or perhaps my bloodline?"

"Even if you did, there is little that can be done." She removed the ring from my finger, placing it back in the box. "Only those who hold a ring may go out on missions. Even then, it requires approval from your planetary ruler among two others, three votes in total. Usagi could grant you a stone now, without completing training, but even so, that only occurred once, and only because the situation was dire."

"Who received it?" Pressing for information was becoming daunting, Setsuna speaking in terms more vague as my questions went on.

"Many received them, actually." She smiled again, treating me as a child. "You shouldn't be so hasty. If you complete training, you may choose for yourself the path you shall take, but for now I would worry very little about such matters." I followed her for a bit, asking more questions, but she didn't tell me anything else. More questions than answers, and I'm stuck here pondering them. Tomorrow, I'll be seeing Rei, as she tells me more of what went on. I can only hope she has answers for some of my questions...

More chapters later...


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I don't own Sailor Moon, please Read and review. I know this update took a long time to get out, for that I'm sorry.

Chapter 7

We have many pupils that come visit me. This girl, she's one of them. We shared our casual greeting. As normal, I had to check the ledger I keep near by. I often write in order to find out where I left off. I sigh, this particular section not one to be tighten lightly. "My job is to teach you, and act as a tour guide through the hell my life used to be. Up until now, I've given you cliff notes, Fusayo. I've explained rather loosely the turn of events, because in all reality, compared to later in my life, it was all child's play. I feel as if I hadn't had to go into to much detail. Purely because, as you know, the past is the past, and that won't change. However, on the topic of Makoto, I feel as if I would bring shame upon her if I spoke so casually." It's the only truth I have as I watch this mere child become unusually calm before me.

"Rei, could we do something else today?" She asks me. "I find the past quite interesting and all, but I just don't think I want to hear any more of that." There is only a slight tremble in her voice, one I can say I honestly haven't the slightest idea from whence it came. "I can't listen to stories that are nothing but heartbreak. Love is what my people, people from all of the other planets, hope for. I feel like all I've ever know, and anything I was ever taught has been dashed to bits."

I smile softly at her. This girl is very much unlike the rest of her bloodline, and so much like that woman of long ago. "It is because it is painful. This is why I speak what I do. Our world as we know it came about only after everyone, including Usagi, sacrificed much of their heart and soul." Setsuna told me this girl had been fishing around. I like that. This girl can act on true feelings and impulsive will. "Don't feel saddened by the things I say, Fusayo." I tell her as I ruffle her hair. "Be happy that through all of it, we've survived and could still build a world all of our own." Small parts of me wish I could do the same on a daily basis.

"But the loves you shared didn't last." I feel like I should be crying right now. She is right, after all. Still, I can only smile softly at her. She really is just a child. Perhaps, if I was still as young and naive as her, then I could grow feelings for her. That time passed for me long ago though.

"Monogamy didn't last." I correct her. "Love is a fluid thing, and Mars is a possessive power, much like Jupiter is." It's very complicated, and I partly feel as if I shouldn't be answering these types of questions. "I can satisfy any sexual urge I have. Even if I wished to sleep with Usagi or Mamoru, I would be welcomed into bed. That has never been an issue for any of us." I see the girl before me tense up, her sickened gaze only so for a moment, before her mind kicks back into place.

"Then, why are you so sad now?" She really is such a simple girl.

"You and I come from planets that are very dominate. We don't like sharing. That trait, well, it's learned over time. Relationships are something we must own, and committed relationships are part of that." If I could explain it well, I would be a far better person, sadly that just isn't the case. "Sexually, I'm far more satisfied than many could dream of, but, it becomes hard seeing those I care for sharing in each other. I guess, you could say I want ownership. Not of the person, per say, but of the types of things that go on beyond closed doors." I'm not explaining things to her properly, and yet, I can see she understands well. "I have no one to call my own. My lover, a person who needs me, and my touch alone."

"If you're close with... her...now, then why can't you talk about it?" Fusayo, she always becomes awkward. Cute really, if one cares to look at her for what she is.

"She was a far different person then." That should be enough of an answer, but somehow, I know I'll be grilled further. I'd rather not be. "I will tell you more after she agrees. If Makoto deems our relationship something she wants quiet, then I will do her the honor of obeying her."

"I understand." She says, as if she's been defeated. Her eyes find the floor ashamed of herself.

"You don't." It was the best I could do for her. "I doubt you could understand something that even I find confusing. Makoto and I are simply difficult people to date openly. I knew it wouldn't last. It was something we wanted out of loneliness, not out of true love. It was nice though, while it lasted."

"What is it like?" She asked me, although I knew she would stumble with her words. Fusayo is the type of girl who doesn't know what she's getting into. I am a sinner, even now, and I yearn for someone, anyone to call my own. "What is love now? What could it possibly mean for you, a person who defiles the term so coveted so long ago."

"The meaning it has, well, lets just say it goes deeper than you could possibly comprehend." Shadows danced on the wall, the fire casting a picture of a girl who knew nothing of what real love was. We never knew either, and that had been a large part of our problem as teens. "We never understood it ether, our eyes back then held hope. Solid conviction was easy for us, just as it is easy for you now."

"Do you love them?" She seemed imploring, and yet, uncertainty is what fueled the question. "All of them?"

"A better question would be, why did that love fail?" I could hear Setsuna's voice from behind me, and I sighed as she meddled in our affairs. "We as Sailor Senshi all love each other, child, never forget that." Always a stern lover, but yes, even she, as stoic as they come, found a place in my ever lonely heart. "Fusayo, I have warned you many times, you cannot know all that happens within this world, and acceptance for the unknown is what will drive you to become victorious. We never knew the trials ahead of us, not even I held all of the answers, although I knew more than most. The future is still unknown for me."

"I believe, Setsuna, the reason she cannot understand, is because she lacks the sight." Many don't have Setsuna's power, but even if we don't, we're happy not knowing. This girl, she is different in many ways. "Her ancestor would be very much the same right now, if she were here. Naru did well, to ask Usagi the things she did, and you Fusayo, although often questionable with your reasons, are much the same." Although I think I know why, I also believe she is much to young. "Although, if you find those answers, I doubt you will find happiness. Listen, I'm cutting today's lesson. Go enjoy a free afternoon, alright?" I asked, needing some time to myself. "I must attend to Senshi related matters."

I usher Setsuna to follow me into into another room, where I shut the door behind us tightly. "That girl can see right through me, can't she?"

"I find that to be little more than a cute surprise." Setsuna answered, amusement not spoken, but glimmered lightly in her crimson eyes. "What was the real reason you wouldn't tell her about Makoto?" Setsuna's always taken a relaxed approach with anything, but her ability to be here right now confuses even me. "Why not speak of the darkness you have within you, the realities, they should be spoken by you."

"I'd rather that you show her." I almost felt like I was begging. "I feel like she needs to see first hand what transpired. I can tell her the memories I have, but most of them have faded now. They wouldn't be clear. She needs crystal clear beauty, one that follows my life, and all that's in it." I leaned on my desk, the one that I used for all of my documentation. I could feel the papers crinkle under my grasp, my fears unsaid, but Setsuna knew them. "You can see that she has a crush on me, but I don't wish that on anybody. Not even myself."

"I will show her what I know." Setsuna tells me agreeing openly. "I will leave nothing to her imagination either." I also know why she's here in the first place, as she unzips the back of her dress. Today will be quick, and she chose me. "However, let it be known that many of us are not as willing to show our pupils the scandals of our past. Not nearly as much as you are." As it falls away, I see her true form, that of a wonderful woman, one who governs time. "What do you hope to accomplish, by having me show the girl what she should be told?" A goddess hidden by her tasks, much like myself, in a cloak of deep despair.

"I don't have a clue." I tell her as she closes in on me, intending to cut me short.

"Then get a clue." She orders softly. "Before all hope for you is lost." Her words are venom, but her kiss is sweet, and the contradiction burns me, just as it always has, and how her paradox always will.

More later.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: You are all very lucky I had another chapter almost completed, because I was able to fill your demand easily this time. However, I have yet to start on a new one, so this one will have to allow you to bide your time a bit, sadly. I don't own Sailor Moon, please, read and review.

Chapter 8

"Are you ready?" Setsuna's voice echoed endlessly in the hollow misty area. "Once we go back through this door, you'll see the old world, and all that you see, you will be able to affect." She looked at the door for a moment, the chains locking it tightly fell away with merely a touch of a finger, as if they were there only upon Setsuna's own whim. "Even the princess has to follow rules when she walks through this door."

"The princess is only a baby." Fusayo laughed slightly. "She couldn't have gone back, could she?"

"The past and future ebb and flow in a synergy that every few can understand." Setsuna told her young ward. "In a future that you can't possibly comprehend, the baby is no longer so. Small Lady, as I have come to call her, has traveled into the past without much difficulty." The gates of time were endless, and although Setsuna felt at home here, Fusayo dearly wished she could escape the dark shroud of nothingness. "You must remember two things about the past. One, the people of this past have their own notions on what the future will be. You must never correct them, for it is their own minds and their own truths. Secondly, the future is not a set course. To safeguard particular events, the future will change, even ever so slightly, if you speak of that exact future, or aid in the events that will occur."

"So I take it I won't only be watching from afar..." Fusayo sighed, not wanting to see first hand the sadness Rei had endured. "I really don't want to go into the past, either you know." Still, when the teen closed her eyes, she could see Rei's saddened expression, her lost and lonely face amidst many things Rei either dare not speak of, or could not explain. "I just wanted to be close to her, to all of you."

"Love is a a very fickle thing for those who do not understand it." Cryptic statements were her favorite to use, and also some of the most alluring. "I have tried for many, many years to get others to understand those very same principals, to no avail. I've watched for countless generations as the world around me destroyed itself, for such a thing as love. I've sat idly by, as we Sailor Senshi claim such a powerful emotion as a reason to fight." The truth was deeper than that. "However, when they must face the darkest hours, the grim despair of their souls pull them away, and they refuse to look into the catacombs of the past. Without darkness there is no light, and Rei has forgotten that."

"What is she to you?" It was a challenging question, one spoken in defiance, anger lacing the sentiment. What indeed? A clever question that many of the Senshi often asked themselves when sizing up an opponent. Still, this question, in reference to love? They never used such lines, such clearly drawn barriers to define themselves. "What could she ever be, as hurt as she is?" No Senshi dared to speak a revelation so sinister, so hateful, as to pick and choose over each other. It was a mistake often made in the past. They vowed to never repeat it.

Still, as meddling as it was, as maddening as it could be, Setsuna didn't back down an inch. Amused outwardly that such a question would ever be aimed at her, knowing she was likely the only one with a clearly defined answer for the girl. It was petty, and yet, it was oh so fitting for the cold, often aloof mage. "A consort, if you must know." Setsuna told Fusayo softly, her deep crimson eyes saying more than Setsuna's voice ever could. "She has served our queen well in trying times, been at my side in battle, both an enemy, and a dear friend..." With a great sigh of sadness, Setsuna let out the tiniest hint of a smile. "I will admit, in the dead of night, my actions may or may not include Rei. The same can be said for all of us. We are no more and no less than we deem necessary. Sex, if you must inquire, does fall into that equation."

Fusayo bristled at that, her eyes still focused on the mists that blurred the way. With an unsteady hand, she grasped the door handle, and turned the knob, pushing it open to find a scene that made her cringe. "How can this even be happening? Why did anyone let her do it?"

"Just watch, Fusayo." Setsuna sighed, not really wanting to see the vision either. "If you go into the past, days like this, will become a bit of normality."

….

"Makoto, you don't have to do this." Rei whispered in the dead of night. "You really don't."  
>"And if I don't." Makoto shot back, her lips perched to the whiskey bottle for merely a moment.<br>"I'll be fine on my own." Rei retorted harshly. "I don't need a sitter."  
>"Someone needs to keep an eye out." Makoto told her calmly. "You're still new."<p>

"I hardly call this, babysitting." Rei laughed as she too, took a swig of the strong drink. "I understand you're worried, but really, you don't have to be." Her words, though soft, held a darker truth. Nobody had to be anywhere, no one ever worried when they should have. If they did, they would have caught wind of all that had gone on in Rei's heart. All the things she wished she could say, and yet, she never voiced. "After all, I'm still alive, aren't I?"

"You're alive because you have to be." Makoto told Rei honestly. "You don't have any other choice, you gotta be okay. If you aren't, you have nothing else to be except a failure...and that's worse than being dead. At least when we're heroes we felt as if we did the right thing. At least, I know I did, the times I lost the fights for Usagi." The glass held their liquid escape, their fingers cradled the tool of forgetful haze, and within that night of unspoken words, both knew, this night would not have been like those that had gone on in the past weeks. "I like being used, ya know."

The suggestion wasn't lost by Rei, and as she released her breath, and the smoke she had inhaled, she couldn't help but chuckle. "Yeah..." Suddenly, it was as if the cool air outside was slowly getting warmer, intoxication only part of the issue. "I know you do." It wasn't something Makoto admitted often, but Rei knew the feeling. "I'd give anything, to be used again, even if it felt like it was killing me, I want her back."

"I can't be a replacement." Makoto answered back, downing the last of the bottle in one long chug, casting the glass bottle aside a few moments later. It shattered into bits. "No one can ever give you the same touch Minako did." It was a sad reality, but it was one both had come to accept. "My first, well, he'll never come back for me, and his kindness will never be forgotten. I can't be Minako...but..." Makoto bit her lower lip, sighing in recognition. "Rei." She turned to the shorter woman, who's eyes were clouded over, decent judgment lost long ago. "I want this too."

It started as a quiet kiss. One that was intently testing the waters, Makoto asking for more, waiting for Rei's answer, as she pressed her lips fully onto Rei's. The girl of raven tresses welcoming the contact without a single hesitation. Reason gave way into passion, clothes torn apart by needy, greedy hands. Rei let Makoto take the lead. Her fingers tangling deeply into the tresses of deep auburn, her eyes closing in a lustful satisfaction. Makoto's tongue toyed openly with hers. Modesty lost by practiced hands, as Makoto dominated the willing woman before her, her fingers pushing Rei farther into forbidden heights. Rei's bliss was both mixed pleasure and pain, as teeth bit into her skin, making her so utterly hopeless to stop what would be called sinful.

She wanted to stop...  
>She didn't want to be forgotten...<br>She needed a release...  
>She was afraid to let go...<p>

"I won't abandon you." Makoto told her, whispers carried on hot breath sent shivers down Rei's spine. "I won't cast you aside." The woman's fingers delving deeper into Rei, calling forth even more mixed and confused emotions. Yet, the high was oh so sweet, and the feelings were mutual. They both needed this, she was was positive of that. Sweat trickled down her body as she allowed herself to fall further than she ever thought she would, her cries silenced by Makoto's firm kiss and tender caress. "Trust me Rei, and I'll never hurt you." Makoto whispered, pleading for the girl under her to understand that simple promise.

To share a high.  
>To learn to trust a lover.<br>A partner in crime.  
>A comrade in battle.<br>Friends.  
>Enemies.<br>Of the same war.  
>Lost.<br>Never to be found.

"I will Makoto." Rei hitched, as she struggled for breath, she didn't want to fight away her feelings any more. Her own nails ranking down Makoto's back as she finally let herself be swept away by the erotic heat. The euphoric woman above her granting such a gift.  
>…<p>

"Make it stop!" Fusayo cried out, turning her face away from the things she was seeing. "Why would Rei do that, why would she let herself do that..."

"There are no answers in this world that could possibly ease your heart, Fusayo." Setsuna told her calmly, although, in truth, the pain was not gone from Setsuna, the woman despising to look back on such distressed times. "However, love at least among the Senshi, is never wrong. Although, I'll admit, in the past things could have gone more smoothly." With a sigh, she pulled the door closed, the mists returning their quiet splendor. "That world is filled with misfortune, pain, and suffering. However, this is one moment of many, not all are bad. However child, you must make the choice if you wish to step through the door."

"If I do, what will I find?" That was the question Fusayo struggled with the most it seemed.

"That is the question everyone asks when they look into a person's heart." Setsuna's motherly response was at least hopeful. "Rei's heart is a door, much like the tangible ones within this world. If you open the lock, all of the realities she has come to understand will flow out of it." Yet, it was not in any way consoling. Her own personal feelings on the matter obscured by her teachings. "If you do not have strength enough to face her, and her memories from her voice, you will never be worthy of the love you seek." It was not her job to calm warring emotions. Her job was to protect fate, and build a proper future. Setsuna's plan, was to do just that.

More later...


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Wow, this chapter was really easy to write. Just as a heads up, snow patrol is back again for this chapter, continuing where we left off from their song Run. Lyrics are in _italics_, as you know by now. I hope you enjoy this chapter, as the plot thickens. Clearly, I don't own Sailor Moon. Please read and review.

Chapter 9

"Do you love her...I mean, really love her?" Makoto sighed as she folded yet another pastry, filled with Usagi's favorite filling. "That's the real question here." Among many thing Makoto was forced to oversee, the kitchen wasn't one of them. Rather, it was a fond hobby the woman refused to get rid of, often, taking over the castle's kitchen for her own personal use. The many attendant's didn't mind. It meant a day off for them, something treasured among the busy life of a servant. "If you dish out the past to her or not, I could give a shit less." She was always blunt, and sometimes very crass, still, her voice was gentle, even if her word were not. "What I care about is you, and what you think is best."

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be here." Rei ranted, leaning on the near by counter top, one that was free of flour, and other messy things. "It's not like I'm fond of spending my time in a kitchen the size of a small house." That, was a rather large understatement. The kitchen was huge, the cooking floor, and the pantry floor. By far, it was the largest in all of the galaxy, holding enough food to feed all who resided on the moon for a full few months. "I mean really though, you don't care, at all?"

A small smile, one almost teasing fell from Makoto's lips. "Do you want me to care?" She asked, quickly trying to hide it. Instead, her fingers worked wonders on another little pastry while her eyes glanced at the stove. This had always been her element, and over the years, she only got better. Then again, even the worst of cooks had enough years to survive alone in the kitchen, a feat seemingly unimaginable for some. Her eyes regarded Rei, how the woman of raven tresses studied the marbled counter as if it was something new and obscure. "Rei? Should I care?"

"Not really." Rei sighed, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. "Not really a big deal, I guess."

"I didn't think so." Makoto knew that already. Still, the look in Rei's eyes, so defeated, so far gone, it wasn't a look Makoto wanted to keep on seeing. It didn't matter how long time pushed forward, Rei's heart would still only be for one person. "Then, if you don't mind my prying, what is it, that you really want? Something that you feel like you should have before all else."

"I want Minako." Rei could admit that. "But she doesn't want me. I'm tired of being second in line, or third, or forth." It was a long awaited rant, one Rei shared with Makoto often. It was the darkness she felt safe with, an open line of communication never leaving them. "Not that we all aren't, well...you know. It's just, she never comes to me, I always, always have to go to her." For Rei, it would have been enough, except for one little detail. "The only time she's come to me is if she wants more than a one on one." Rei put her face in her hands, her head was bothering her, and it would only get worse. "She's turned into a slut, I swear."

"Isn't that just a little harsh." Makoto sighed, dusting the flour off of her hands. "We've all gotten bored at one point or another, reached out and experimented. Hell, even Ami's joined in a few times and she's really cut loose. You can't say Minako's the only one." Unspoken feelings. That's what this was really about. "Hey..." Her hands, calloused from years of fighting and hard work cupped Rei's cheek lightly, her thumb tracing soft lips. "She loves you Rei. She really does, but you know she can't give in like that. If she did, it could really hurt us all, ya know?"

"So, then I get to be the target?" Rei bit out, backing away from the one person she wished would hold her right now. "I get to be the one that suffers for this?" That's what Rei always wanted when she felt like the victim. She wanted protection. "How is that fair?" She needed solace. "How can that even be remotely justifiable?"

"It can't." Makoto sighed, she knew enough about barely there admissions. "It if were, Ami would be mine." Half truths no one wanted to begin to understand. "If it were for the best, Ami wouldn't be sleeping with you either, but hey, we can't all be you, now can we. We can't all act as if we're the ones bleeding, you do a damn good job on your own." Everyone had someone they loved. However, love, and duty were very different things. To claim only one lover, it would strike down many, hurt others even more. "Hell, you think Haruka wants to share Michiru? That Setsuna can sit idly by, and watch Hotaru join in on the festivities without cringing? Do you realize how hard it was for all of us to look at her as a woman, and not a child? Can you even begin to realize how much Minako wants to pick and choose, but she can't, all because she would hurt people?"

"I have an even better question for you..." Rei smiled darkly. "This hurts me like nothing else in the entire universe has." Sharing in each other, the amount of care and understanding it took was immense. "There are others, like me, who accept that pain, so that everyone else doesn't." Some had no romantic feelings towards others. "But what happens when love comes at a cost?" There were those who gave their bodies openly, so they wouldn't hurt feelings. "Haruka belongs to Michiru. Michiru belongs to Haruka. They are two people who will never love others, and yet, somehow, they seem to manage. They make it work. Why can't the rest of us? You tell me that."

Makoto sighed, her eyes gazing deeply into Rei's. "They can manage, because that's who they are, Rei." Detached, aloof...the outer Senshi were very different people, who shared a deep and complex bond. "We're not like that. Minako is who she is. Her love is something more obscure than just one single person. I am who I am, I love Ami. I know she loves me, but I also know she would never cast aside anyone, not even for my heart. You are you, the person who started this entire shit fest in the first place."

"Hey it wasn't like I told you to get me hooked on drugs." Rei spat, it was a stupid argument, and they both knew it. Some of it, at least, was true.

"I never told you to get hooked." Makoto shook her head, returning her her small little confections. "It isn't my fault I could smoke responsibly and you couldn't. I knew my limits, and since you decided to turn your damn bathroom into a smokehouse, what was I going to do? Leave you there? Fact of the matter is this, you were going to get addicted. It didn't matter if you were with me or not. At that point, I picked the lesser of the two evils, Rei." It was a bad idea, they both could agree, but it would have happened either way. Even Setsuna, much later, had assured that fact. "At least when you smoked around me, I could keep an eye on you."

"Our first time..." Rei sighed, the memory was vague at best. "Do you remember the day after..." At worst, it was an unspoken regret that both women, as much as they had grown over the years, could not face down. There would be no forgiveness now, the remorse for their actions a forced response out of respect.

"No." Makoto said softly, closing her eyes as a tear ran down her face. "There really is only one thing I can recall from that day. It was cold that morning. The sun hadn't even risen in the sky yet. It was cloudy, you couldn't really see the sky, and when I rolled over..." Makoto's heart clenched at the memory. She still resented Rei for that moment. "All I felt was grass between my fingertips. You were gone Rei, and the shards of glass where the bottle broke, well, you scared the hell out of me."

_Light up, light up_

Even now, all these years later, the one thing that had tore Rei apart, was the one thing she refused to give up. "I know..." Rei sighed, her fingertips tracing the edge of her cigarette case. "I'm sorry, I always have been Makoto. You know that, I was just, afraid." Had that been the real issue? Rei couldn't be sure, all of these years later. "I was just a stupid kid, you know, and I didn't want to think of anyone but Minako. Then you and I, when we first had sex, I didn't even remember it. I felt like I was numb. What was I going to do, wake you up and start crying?" In reality, that's what Rei really had wanted back then.

"Anything." Makoto shrugged, brushing away the stray tear. "Anything would have been better than me waking up alone." Rejection wasn't something either of them took well, but that morning had dished out a hefty dose of it, for both of them. "I really thought I could trust you Rei, even during our first time. I mean, you know, it worked itself out in the end, but it really pisses me off that you ran away back then. I can't stop hating you for that."

"It wasn't like I really had a choice." Rei did, but it wasn't something she'd admit. "I was so lost back then, you know." Her thumb toyed with the metal clasp, wishing smoking was allowed inside the castle's kitchen. "I wanted to feel something, and you gave me a lot to think about. I didn't want to act right away. I don't ever go in fists first like you do." It was a painful comeback, and Rei knew it.

"Unlike you, I know what battle I'm fighting for." Makoto snapped, squishing part of her dough in the process. "I may go in fist first, and hell, I may even get a bit over my head." She had, several times after all, none of her track record had left her side. In the past, she shunned it, but in these times, she carried her past like a badge of honor. "However, unlike you Rei, you coward, I can say I've given it my all, that I did what I felt was right no matter what. Unlike you, I don't do things halfway." It was something, odd, hearing such a retort. They both overcame hardships quite well throughout the long years they'd spent alive. Still the memories of old earth were coveted, they had began fading, no one would be able to keep them forever.

"What am I going to do?" Rei asked as Makoto chuckled darkly. "I don't see what's so funny."

"Rei, what do you really want? That girl who shows interest in you, or Minako." That indeed, was the real question everyone wanted to ask, but few dared. "Fusayo is from my planet, she would feel the same way, wanting you only for herself. Still, we all have started something not easily stopped. If Usagi beckoned you to her room, would that girl let you go?" It was twisted really, how funny fate could be. "Better yet, would you stay loyal, and not go to the side of others? Could you cut your lust for all of us, and put it aside?"

"I...I've no idea." That's what was so alluring about Rei. How destroyed she really was. How broken they all were, the test of time having worn into all of them. "Am I really that jaded that I wouldn't?"

_As if you have a choice_

"We've all changed." Makoto shrugged. Although she had suspected Rei would not stay loyal, and would be driven by temptation, there were always chances she could be wrong. "Just as we thought Setsuna was rather odd for her views and actions, we too are becoming odd. Change is part of our world, it always has been I guess, but now, when you think about it, Setsuna's life has always been this way. Sometimes I wonder how she didn't go insane, but what we've done, that's how she didn't. She adapted, just like we have. If what we all share, if that's good or not, I just don't know yet."

"Come on, we haven't changed that much, have we?" Rei knew she had. She changed in terrible ways. She could admit that. "I know I have, but the others...and you too? No, we couldn't. I mean, Usagi's still Usagi, right?"

"Rei, think about it." Makoto forced herself to do away with baking again, pulling a bottle of deep red wine from the cooler near the fridge. "As you've gotten older, you've wanted so much. You even started call things yours. As if you think you own them. People, and their feelings, they don't normally work that way." Makoto also selected two large, thick goblets, forgoing the immaculate wine glasses that covered six shelves in the cabinet. Crystal simply not made for the two of them. "You've gotten more aggressive when threatened too. Other things, like your fighting, that's gotten stronger. I feel like we will evolve over time, that we will change even more. We are what we are, and I think that part of it, well, I don't think we can control some of the changes."

"I've always been hotheaded though." Rei eyed the red liquid, and savored the slow actions that Makoto took to get the cork out. "Don't forget, I wasn't a half bad fighter either. And you, hell Makoto, you've always been able to take care of yourself." Greed, lust, that's what changed in Rei, and they both knew better than to go there. Saying it wouldn't help anyone.

"I've grown three inches since adulthood hit me." Makoto told Rei harshly. "People don't normally grow after they should stop." Makoto, handed Rei one of the filled goblets, knowing what would happen. "That isn't cheep vodka...you should be nicer to it." Rei did what she always did. Swigging the beverage as if it was the last water in the world.

"Don't play with me." Rei sighed as she placed the empty wooden goblet down, and snatched the chilled bottle, refilling the void that she'd made so quickly. "I know you have a point to this, so give it to me already. I don't need another teacher who can't teach." So many of them tried to speak with Rei, but very few could get past her sharp tongue. "I don't need a prophet who can't do their job the first time, either." The problems Rei had were shared by many of them, and although it was hidden well, they all knew better than to step on the toes. Pots calling the kettle back would never fix anything.

"What if I don't want to say it?" That was always the problem, the defining moment that normally caused all the walls to shatter, just like that glass bottle from so long ago. "What if what we started, was because of things unsaid? Things we'd never done, or want to let go of? Why would I break that cycle? Why should I be the one to do it...why don't you?"

"Because your the one...you the person who walked into my life, acting as if you could take my pain and turn it around. Your the one who claimed that job." Rei gulped the rest of her wine again, and pushed herself away from the counter with anger that was well contained. "Your the one who slept with me, while I was screwed over in the head no less."

"And you let me!" Makoto roared, her emerald eyes shimmering with her own frustrations. "Even after all of that, you told me that you cared, that you didn't want us to end...so I didn't let go of you. I still haven't you idiot, none of us have. Still, we can't all be what you want us to be for you simply because it's easier. We all have out own moral obligations, I've got my emotional ones too. You aren't alone, and yet, you choose to keep yourself as far away from most of us as you possibly can. You want to know why Usagi is still Usagi? It's because she still has all of us, whenever, and however she needs. You and I, we can't ever have that, we can't ever take what we want, and forsake everyone else. But you sure as hell try, don't you?"

"I don't need this." Rei whispered as she stormed out of the kitchen, and down the long hallways of the castle. She past the dinning room, all dressed in cream colors and etched in golden beauty, able to comfortably seat hundreds of people. She stalked past the grand ballroom, where many parties always brought merriment late into the evenings. She fumed as she passed so many other rooms, all of them belonging to Mamoru and Usagi. "I don't want any of this." She whispered, her eyes burning with salty tears. Without thinking, she walked briskly up the long castle stairwells. Passing so many guest rooms, even more small living quarters, and the second level of the castle kitchen, along with a small dining room, one that only sat twenty chairs. Just enough for close friends, and even closer family. Finally, she reached Usagi's bedroom, their king gone away on Senshi matters.

Rei was about to knock, but halted her hand as soon as she heard laughter from beyond the beautiful white door, one with the silver handle. "Minako's in there..." Rei sighed, unwilling to let her presence be known, laughter so fleeting when Mamoru wasn't around. "It figures...Usagi's never alone." If it was her voice filled with melancholy, or her thunderous heartbeat that raged within her, Rei was unsure. Still she knew that she had attracted attention from knowing eyes.

_Even if you cannot hear my voice _

"They're partaking in some tea." Ami said softly, holding a rather thick tome. "Should be expected really, what without Mamoru around. Even the baby misses him." Ami had likely been the one to age the most gracefully, her stern eyes had gained light, and soft understanding. The girl who worked in sterility most of the time, had easily become unclean as a woman. She had no reservations, no reasons to apologize. Ami, one of the few of them to cast aside any and all regrets. She, just as her mother had been before her, a woman both imperfect, and silently rebellious. "I would have gone too, had I not been taking down the logs."

"So, you heard the fighting between me and Makoto then. Sorry, it wasn't for others to hear." Rei crossed her arms. Ami only took logs for two things. Her medical records, and ledgers books for castle funds. By the size and shape of the book, it had been the latter. "I guess next time we fight, it should be outside."

"You two argue often." Ami laughed, shaking her head slowly. There was always less than civil banter among the group, harmony was never truly achieved. Not by everyone at a single time. "I would not worry, many don't pay the slightest attention to it. Even if we do hear you, we know it's best not to interfere." It was refreshing, to have such a boisterous family, the one thing Ami hadn't ever truly had. "Doing so, especially when you are involved, is never a wise idea."

"Do you believe it then?" Rei wondered if anyone did.  
>"What exactly are you referencing?" Ami had heard the entire conversation, and she feared what the real question would be.<br>"Everything...from what Makoto said to me, can you believe it?" Rhetorical, indeed, but painful none the less.  
>"She does love you, dearly." Ami answered, her eyes downcast. "Just as she loves me."<br>"Then what about you?" Rei pressed farther. "What do you feel, for her...or anyone for that matter?"

"I already told you. It is not good for me to get involved between the two of you." She sighed when she felt Rei's eyes burning into her. "You've been drinking, you are clearly upset, and I know you both well enough to know that explosive temperaments will result in hurt feelings. That is simply how you two work. It is not my job, nor my responsibility, to choose sides." Ami wanted to walk into her study, shut the door, and finish her work for the day, instead though, she merely extended an invitation. "I understand that I am not the most sought after individual for your nocturnal affairs, but Makoto will be joining Haruka tonight, and my bed will be cold. My room is open, should you wish to seek me out." With that, she turned around, walking away to put the tome away. Work, it could wait until a new day found the sky.

_I'll be right beside you dear _

Rei hesitated for a moment, looking at Usagi's door. Muted whispers, and faint cries of needs told her what they were doing. Minako always went to Usagi. Always, without waiting for the woman to become lonely. "Why can you do that for me?" Rei felt her tears fall as she stood, glaring into the door, knowing that from beyond, Minako could feel Rei's pain. The woman, well, she was from Venus, her heart could feel love, even if that love was filled with suffering. Rei, lonely, and without any warmth knew she would find herself at Ami's bed later that night. Both of them refused to apologize for transgressions, but perhaps that was their own sin, both immoral, and evil seeping into the cracks that broken hearts couldn't mend.

Rei didn't know if she should tell the young girl everything, or if she should continue life as it had always gone, but for now she didn't want to think either. Instead she began to follow Ami, knowing that it solved nothing, but healed everything, even if only for just one night.

More later


End file.
